As I stood there I thought, I am not really feeling myself today. What's wrong? I asked myself my three questions when this feeling of melancholy comes upon me -
Am I getting enough sleep
Am I getting enough exercise
Am I eating the right things
The answer to all of these questions is no. I haven't been very well for the past ten days or so, and as a consequence my diet has been a bit highly pigglidy not quite what it normally is. Well for a few days eating at all was out, and I struggled to keep a glass of water down. My Limbs so tired and heavy that exercise is all but impossible.
These questions lead me to the last time I was thinking about them. I'd just finished working on a project where I hadn't been able to answer any of these questions with a positive response for nearly a month
That got me thinking as to just how wrecked I felt after that job. Spiritually, physically, mentally, nutritionally - bankrupt. Not a pleasant feeling and one that has taken quite a bit of time to recover from. But what hit me was every time I accepted jobs like this one, I ended up feeling the same. Weak, tired, unhealthy. Done it. What surprised me was how until today I had not equated these feelings, with what I was doing. The direct calaration so obvious today, was hidden for so long.
Receiving an email today about a similar position. Initially I was interested.
As I mulled over the possibilities and the options I would have if I accepted the proposition I began to think of similar experiences all in the same area, all that left me feel drained. Moments of my life flashed before my eyes and I was left feeling quite shaken by what I had seen.
The choices I had made had had a very negative impact on me. On my peace of mind.
Walking back through the city streets my mind pondered the ideas of embarking on a road that would lead down that path again. This time it will be different, I heard myself say.
But out loud and in a whisper, my voice spoke, rudely awakening my thoughts, of how things would have changed;
I feel jolted by the realisation that I have focused on the wrong thing. Why, oh why, did I keep going back like a moth to a flame to something that burned me. I am disappointed in myself, aware that this moment of clarity is a reflection of thought processes that I have decided not to acknowledge. I am alert to the fact that all that has been all that has gone has brought me to where I am now, and where I move forward from. I now my PowerPoint is this present moment.
The obvious answer to the email, is no.
Do I have the courage to say it, to make that decision. Or do I shuffle forward accepting that the path I know - although horrid - is familiar, and less daunting than the one I don't.
At the root I think is fear.
I write back to decline, and glance up. My face is smiling, and my body has breathed a sigh of relief.
That's it for now ...
Salt and sparkle = Life Remarkable