Signs of Life

Around 6am on September 12^th 2001, German Shepherd Canadian police dog Trakr found signs of life under the rubble at Ground Zero.  Fire-fighters dug in, where he pointed and found Genelle Guzman, who had been inside the Twin Towers when they collapsed.  She had been trapped for nearly 26 hours and would most likely have died, had Trakr not found her.

Over 300 search & rescue dogs alongside their handlers arrived in New York City, after 9/11.  They came from all over America & Canada and as far a field as Puerto Rico and France to help find survivors among the twisted steel, body parts, piles of glass, and mountains of rubble. It was the largest deployment of dogs in a rescue mission in US history.   Working gruelling 16-hour days, under their handlers, these agile, utterly focused and determined dogs, searched for survivors in nooks and crannies, tunnels and holes impossible for human’s to access.

Federal Rescue worker Bob Sessions said, “If these dogs only knew what a difference they make. Certainly, there’s nothing that can replace the precision of a dog’s nose, in rescue situations —and absolutely nothing that can replace a dog’s heart.”

Dogs smell as humans see. A field or building to them is like the vibrant colour picture of a high definition television is to us.  A dog’s sense of smell is so animated; their noses can pick up layers of scent from the history of the area they are in.  Rescue dogs have extensive training – but this builds on their natural ability to keep searching for life, these dogs will literally follow a scent until they are called off. ‘We need a dog over here’ was the continual call around the site. 

The ability of the dogs to console humans became apparent when specialist ‘trauma therapy’ dogs were brought to Ground Zero to provide emotional support to the rescue workers who were traumatised by the disaster site.   These dogs were specifically trained to pick up on trauma and go towards it, pursuing people they perceive to be in a state of distress. Rescue workers felt able to reach out to these dogs in ways they couldn’t to those humans around them. They said that the dogs consoled them and gave them solace and strength to keep going, day-after-day in the rubble.

As we remember those that passed 11 years ago today in that terrible tragedy, we also remember those that mounted the rescue mission, and the dogs that made their jobs, just that little bit more bearable.

Nicky Cahill, written & recorded August 2012

This thought was broadcast on BBC Radio Ulster this morning, 11 September 2012.

That's it for now ...

Nics

Salt & Sparkle = Life Remarkable

Image copyright

Why I'm not reading 'that' book...

Recently I was asked to read a piece of writing which the author hoped would be published. It was autobiographical, which in the beginning hid the dark subject matter - torture, sex, abuse, bullying, abuse of animals, arson, murder and stuff. The writing was without spark. It didn't make me care about the character or subject matter. The writer evidently was using words to manipulate the reader into excusing their behavior. Actions which they showed no remorse for. Choices they made yet said where a direct result of someone else's actions to them.

As I read through the book, I felt physically sick at some of the things described. When I'd finished I felt like my mind was filled with cesswater. It wasn't a pleasant feeling. It's been a long time since I have had a physical reaction to words, but I do have them & I trust my reaction to them. Even though its been several days since I read the manuscript several of the images of torture pop up in my mind & I shudder. The sick feeling instantly returning to the pit of my stomach.

When I first picked up that book, 'Fifty Shades of Grey' (a couple of months ago) at the end of an aisle in the supermarket. I read a few lines of the blurb & instinctively put it down again moving on to other books. The whole experience was over in less than 30seconds. It sounded dull & uninteresting. And the cover made me think it was some sort of book for men.

I didn't give the book a second thought until it became a phenomena. And, people started talking about it everywhere. In one day no fewer than ten people aged 17-70 asked me had I read it & why wasn't I going to read it.

One of them said to me 'it's a racey read, perfect for the beach, a bit of harmless fantasy but do expect to feel grubby when you've finished it.'

Grubby?

Why would I want to read a book that would make me feel grubby?

Why would I want to fill my mind with what is essentially BDSM porn prose?

No one has been able to answer these questions. But I can answer them. Life is tough, just daily living can expose us to heartbreaking pain - bombs, murder, punishment beatings, violence, death, those left behind, rape, molestation, child abuse, victims, those trying to recover from attacks, war, terrorism, divorce - turn on the news or read a paper it's playing in front of us 24/7.

Life is painful. Heartbreaking.

I make the choice not to search for anymore pain. Especially in a novel where BDSM is being graphically portrayed. I don't need those images or thoughts in my brain. I know they are not harmless or fantasy, but a form of abuse. Supposedly consentual the bottom line is that this behavior is manipulation & abuse. And, I don't need to put either of these into my mind.

What we put into our minds doesn't disappear. Memories or what we let our minds consume haunt us. This is why it is so important to think about what we read. What we put into our minds, affects the other parts of us - our spirit, our emotions, our soul. It can drag us down. It can build us up. We chose how we feed ourselves.

As I haven't read the book I'm not talking about the plot, writing, the details. I'm going on my instincts & the information I know about the book from those who read it.

What about you - are you reading this book, are you going to?

My gut feeling is that this is a dangerous book, which will damage my mind. I'm hanging with my instincts & not going anywhere near it.

That's it for now ...

Nics

Salt & Sparkle = Life Remarkable

I don't want to die

My heart grieves when I don't create.  It gets heavy, and my mind becomes numb.  When I move in atmosphere's that are uncreative, that are corporate, my heart tightens, my chest pounds, and a pain shoots behind my eyes.

In my innermost being, I know that creating is a part of my DNA. It is a life force, it is my deepest calling, it is the deepest part of my being - my soul & spirt - and when I ignore it, when I don't do it, I am lost.  

My heart aches.  My head aches.  My hands ache.  My body aches. My hope aches.

One of my favourite things about God, is that 'in the beginning God created' he is the creator, he is creative. Therefore, I don't feel surprised, or doubtful, that he wants me to be creative, that he has made me creative.   I accept that creativity is an eternal part, an essential part of my DNA. 

I have been told, to get on with it, that this is just life, that I don't really have a choice.  That to be a proper grown up, I need to stay in this environment.  My heart screams at those words. I look at the people saying them, and know they don't understand.  How can I explain?  From their faces I know that they don't see how words like they say that pierce my soul, destroy my spirit. Crush me.  How to make anyone understand that creativity does not bow to logic.  Creativity is innate, it is God given, it is a gift.  It is a joy. 

As I walk in a world that is set to destroy it, I feel like I am being tortured.

I exist in an environment that is punishing, that punishes creativity. That does everything it can to destroy it.  Words whip, like a cat'o'nine tails, and I feel torn.   My soul feels wretched. I am wretched.  I am a prisoner, in an alien environment.  I ache for this period to be over.  I long for freedom from this atmosphere.  Everyday,  that fire that feeds my belly, is waning, and my mind tires.  My creativity feels like it is being tortured.  Corporatness, kills me, it eats at my creativity, it tries to destroy it, and I hate it. I feel like I am dying.

I ache.  I breathe, and I chose to hope. I beg for this to be over.  I don't want to die.

I want to live.  With every cell of my being, I want to live. I chose LIFE.

Come back to me creativity, don't leave me.  In my heart you will find that I nuture you.  I yearn for you.  I ache for you.  Without you I die.

Stop

Five Minutes of free writing, it's what we do most Friday's, when we link up with the Gypsy Mama.  Looking forward to reading what you have to say, on this week's prompt - ache.  Alongside that I link up with Darcyand P52, with today's theme of Leap.

I have chosen this photograph because of how the light leaps out, as darkness creeps in.  Today I long for that light.

That's it for now...

Nics

Salt and Sparkle = Life Remarkable

Thoughts of Winter 2011

Howdy, how was your Christmas?  Can you believe it is now officially January 2012!

Scary biscuits where did the last year go?  

I have been hiding under buttoned down hatches for the past few days.  A rather yucky bug like thing struck me when I got back from my adventure with God in the USA, at the start of December, and I just haven't felt myself all month.  Yesterday, I had a bit of a rather glorious pity party, all for me.  

Pity Parties, are okay - because we need to be true to ourselves, and we need to be in touch with, not only who we are, but how we feel - but the absolute crucial, non-debatable, non-negotiatable, fundamental core principal of a pity party is that one doesn't stay there too long.  

As the fantastic Greg Surratt said, in a talk I had the honour to hear last year on this very subject, (paraphased from my notes of your talk Greg)  'I go into my office, I close all the blinds, I play country music. I sit, and I think, and I don't talk to anyone. I have a pity party. But you have to get off the pity potty before you get a ring round the harne." 

You see, 'life happens' and we have to deal with it, the best way is to look whatever you are facing squarely in the face, and make your move.  Sometimes that move takes a day or to, to happen, but it's crucial it happens, because if you don't make that move, you make the choice not to.

Yesterday, I woke up feeling like my buggy thing had come back full force, and I was angry, what a way to start the new year, sick.  It got me down, and when you feel sick, your mind feels down, and it plays in technicolor all the rubbish things that have happened over the past 364 days, blazing headlines, like the red tops.

After spending some time, just getting these thoughts out of my head and down on paper, I decided to make my move, and chose to be thankful for all the things that happened last year good and bad.  From the good I look back with smiles, and think how blessed I am to have such fantastic memories, from the bad, I can learn. I can make the next move from a stronger position.  The bad make the good so spectactular.  As Dolly is so fond of saying, 'To have a rainbow, you have to put up with Rain.'

I thought I would share a few highlights with you here from my 2011, in a few posts - winter, spring, summer, and autumn, my adventure in the USA & Christmas.  I'll take a look at the good, a bit of bad, and perhaps a thought or two about the lesson learned, as I walked away from the upsetting stuff.

January

A horrible influenza literally knocked me off my feet for the first weeks of the year.  All ideas that I had had to run in the Barcelona Half marathon at the beginning of February, where shot into touch, when my doctor told me under no circumstances, was I to even consider it, because it could push me over the edge into enforced hospitalisation.  After some consultation they told me I could make the trip to Barcelona, but that I wasn't to push myself to hard, and I was not under any circumstance to run consider running, or even think about thinking about running.  I was going on this trip with a group of people I knew from a running group.  

While we were in Spain the leader of the group had made a huge fuss about us all eating together, but he still booked us into two fish restaurants which meant that I was excluded from the group. (For those that don't know I have a fatal allergy to fish & the group leader was aware of this).  

I won't say it was pleasant being on a trip where you were put into enforced exile, but the upside was that I got to spend time with my friend Monte. An absolutely wonderful girl I know from my university days.  We walked for hours around the city, talking, chatting, laughing, and I got to take some great photographs of her.

She took me to an authentic Catalonian restaurant, where we ate endless plates of tapas - there were scalloped potatoes cooked in egg yolk, an amazing garlic broth, cured meats, crusty chewy bread.  It was sublime.  There is something very special about seeing a friend again, and finding that connection that made you friends in the first place, has not changed, that time and space have not eroded it.  This is something so extraordinary, that I can't quite comprehend it, this connection between people.  

February

I had the opportunity to take the engagement photographs Ryan Gibson, and Lesley Anne Cairns.  We had a brilliant day on the beach in Newcastle, County Down.  Here are two of my favourite shots.

My sister passed her driving test, on the 28th February, and it was a day of great celebration for us.  I gave her my little car, and made the step to buying completely on my own, my first Landrover.  

March

This was a month of realisation, some darkness and difficult lessons learned.  But I can honestly say I have walked away from this thankful that it happened, because it made me stronger, and taught me many things.

I realised that I had given away some of the power over my own life, to an abusive and nasty person. Someone I was in a professional relationship with. Someone I was paying to do a job for me.  This person abused the trust that I had put in them, and my vunerability in our relationship by his oversuggestive, inappropriate advances.  When I closed our relationship down, he telephoned other people in the group we were a part of and demanded that they defriend me in person and on facebook.  Such was the reach of this man's power over other people's lives that many listened to him, cutting me out of their lives, and those that didn't listen tried to play games with me.  One of them told me things that this man had said to her about me, in the interests of full disclosure, and not wanting to keep anything from me. In easing her conscience, all she did wound me.

This made me think about the power of words, and choice we are presented with when we know delicate or difficult things.  Do we speak out because it will ease our mind, regardless of what it will do to the other person?  Do we pierce other people's hearts in the interest of full disclosure?  So that we can walk away cleansed?  We often have a choice to make, when to speak and when to stay silent.  Having rather horrible things told to me about an other's actions concerning me, was difficult to hear, but it was also completely unnecessary.  I didn't need to know.  I didn't benefit from knowing.  Having this knowledge didn't give me power, or make me feel good.  All it did was try to attack my heart.  

I learnt some lessons -

• about who I give authority to in my life
• about who I let speak into my life
• about the words that I speak and the power they have
• The tongue really does hold the power of life & death
• about the influence people have over others
• what it's like for people to publicly say they don't want to be your friend
• I gained the ability to believe in my work, regardless of what others think, because there will always be somewhere someone, who doesn't like what you do, who tries to bring you down
• That we have a choice and that standing still or saying 'I have no choice?' is actually making a choice

Greg Surratt came to speak at CFCBelfast  and for me his message was life changing.  He spoke directly to what was happening with me at that very moment, and his words have lingered, and become part of my story.

He began his conversation with us, by telling us how much he loved his wife and children, how important they were to him. This seriously impressed me, here was a man who didn't make a joke about his wife, who didn't degrade her with sarascm, who treated her as a precious rubies.  From the minute he began to speak I knew this man had things to say, that would change my life.  

He talked of how we all whatever we do in our lives we all lead something.  However, the occupation hazard of leadership us discouragement.  We will experience tough and dark days.  And, that the worse battles we will fight will be between our ears - in our minds. but on those days we should say to ourselves, "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, what the Lord has prepared for (you/me) for those who love Him." 1Cor 2:19

Then maybe say out loud - but to declare, these paraphased words from Ephesians 1 and not forget that -  

• God has chosen me
• God has planned in advance for me
• God has guaranteed a future for me

In our deepest darkest moments, when everything floods on top of us, and nothing seems to lift the veil, knowing these things, writing them down, speaking them out, reminding ourselves of them, brings enormous strength.

I knew that this would not be the last time that I would hear Greg speak in 2011.

A Huge Shoutout to Greg for such a fantastic talk - one that spoke so clearly to me, and I have carried with me for the rest of the year.  Greg has an absolutely brilliant book out, I read it during my trip to Charleston SC, in November. I highly recommend that you get a copy, it does exactly what it says on the tin - 

It's definitely one of the best books that I have read in a long time, tremendously easy to read with a powerful message, and packed with my favourite - takeaway knowledge.  The stories are well told, interesting, and compelling. Leaving you with thoughts for your own life.  I especially like the chapters on - serendipity, power, & worship.  It's a very open, direct, look at life on the inside of a church.

Go now go buy one and read for yourself.

April

What a month, the 1st April 2011 is a day I will never forget, my blog Salt and Sparkle went live!  What a wonderful moment this was for me.  I felt great joy, and some apprehension about putting myself out there, but I was so excited, and still am.  This has been an incrediable journey, and I am so thankful to you my readers for journeying with me.  For your comments, and messages of encouragement, for your support. I give you all a big shout out, and say THANK YOU.

Becoming part of the blogsphere has been a true highlight of 2011.  I get such a thrill when people comment on my blog, to say to me they read a post, or enjoyed looking at some of the photographs. 

I also began twittering.  Another new world has opened up, and I have made some amazing connections, right across the world.  With people who write fantastic blogs, and make brilliant tweets about a whole range of things.  I recommend you take a moment to check out their blogs here - 

I did another amazing photoshoot with the Robinson family, capturing some of my year's favourite images, here are just a couple - 

To be continued ...

That's it for now ...

Nics

Salt & Sparkle = Life Remarkable

Questions - be prepared not to like the answer - Sweet Shot Tuesday

Tomorrow, a girl, who I have known since she was inside her mum's tum, gets married.  I remember touching her Mummy's belly just before she was born, in awe and wonder, that soon a baby would come out.  I was maybe all of three years old.  Our parents have been friends forever.

I am not invited to the wedding.  But then why would I be, as she has made the decision not to speak to me for some years. Although we did remain friends on Facebook, she cut that off to, defriending me just before I left for my big trip to the USA.  It's a slap that still stings, each time it comes to mind.

My heart is full of sadness, and my head feels heavy with tears.  Some shed.  Some still behind my eyes, that I try to blink away, but I know will fall eventually.  I am not entirely sure why she decided after having known me for her entire life, that she no longer wanted to be friends, but she did.  And, her decision causes me great pain.  But, I don't know, every attempt I have made at reconcilation, has been met with silence, steely, and unbending.  Her parents pleas after they saw my sadness and tears, my mourning for our friendship that she had ended, for her to made amends with me, went unheded.   Ignored.

We spent teenage years, talking about our weddings, planning laughing, thinking, dreaming, and tomorrow her dreams will happen without me, and I am sad.  Deeply grieving the memories that we will not share.

Why did this happen?  "The truth, sits in the circle and knows, while I dance around in a circle, and suppose" - to paraphrase Robert Frost.  It might have something to do with a conversation we had, where she took my words to mean something that was not said or even implied.  For a long time, she asked and asked me, what I thought of this and that, of every situation, deep questions.  I rarely answered, instead, asking questions back, giving her the opportunity to find her own answers.  

But then the man she is to marry tomorrow left her.  He walked out of their home and went back to the country from which he came.  She was devestated, and again and again asked me, 'Did I think he loved her?" Such a difficult question to be asked, troubling to know what to answer, because I am not in their relationship, I only see it as an observer, with titbits of information, from her, and others.  

Feeling cornered, after being asked this for the umpteeth time I said, 'Well, if he really loved you, would he leave you?", and that it was it.  I never heard from her again, except once to be told that I didn't like her fiance, which actually couldn't be further from the truth, I do like him, I have never disliked him. I wish him every happiness tomorrow.

The other question that she asked me regularly, was would I marry a man who had said, that I would not be able to pray with our children, as they grew up, leaving them to make their own decision on religion.  You see, she had been told, exactly that, and as a girl who grew up saying her prayers, it troubled her.  My answer - 'No, I couldn't.  Prayer is central to my life, I want it to be central to my married life, both with my spouse, and my children.  Prayer is my very breath, my communion with God, with Jesus, with the Holy Spirit.  It is everything."  

I ponder over my words, when I think about her, and I wonder, knowing what I know today, that I would be cut off, would I say the same thing again?  I think about my answers to her questions, and I wonder, did she know that when anyone asks a question, they open the conversation to an answer that they maybe don't want to hear.   Did she really want me to answer, did she really care about my opinion?  Did we have an open dialogue.  I just don't know, but I do know that if I was asked these questions again, I would give the same answers.  Answers that weren't spoken in anger, and weren't given from a hard heart, that wished to cause pain, but answers that had been contemplated, and eventually given, to questions that had been endlessly asked.

Should I have avoided the question?  Should I have said, I can't answer that, as I had done on numerous occasions before?  Should I, should I, should I ... I wonder, and then think, I can't undo the past, I know my answers weren't given in malice, they weren't given to cause pain, and they weren't given to destroy a friendship, instead they were answers to questions that I had been asked.  They weren't even answers but one a question back, and one a personal opinion as to how I would feel in that situation.  Regardless of how I try to think, this out, they were answers that she didn't want to hear. 

One thing that I have learnt from this painful, devestating, and ever so hurtful experience is that when people ask us questions, they often aren't aware that they open the conversation to answers that they might not like, they might not want to hear, that they might not know how to process.  It is important to realise that when we do ask questions, we do in fact give permission to those that we ask to say something that we may not want to hear.  We need to be aware that when we ask, we risk.

Tomorrow, and for the rest of her life, I wish her well, I wish them well, I wish them every blessing of the Father - I say this blessing over them, that I heard at a wedding I photographed:

Look down with favour O Lord

On these thy children

Who by thy divine authority

Are one in Holy Matrimony

Grant them thy protection

Through days of lasting peace

And bless them with the love

Of their children's children.

Amen

I have been struggling, and wondering, all day, well in fact for several days, as to whether to write this post.  I don't write for sympathy, I don't write for empathy, I write because I have to.  This pain, and deep hurt, grief for a lost friendship I hope will ease.

Be blessed tomorrow Julie, be blessed for the rest of your life, maybe someday we will speak again, I do hope so, but I remember the laughter we shared, watching Annie, cheese and biscuits, little drives, shopping trips, endlessly listening to Elvis, I remember our friendship and I miss it, I miss you.

Today I am linking up with Darcy at her wonderful Sweet Shot Tuesday head over their and join the linkyparty, our lastone of 2011.

That's it for now ...

Nics

Salt and Sparkle = Life Remarkable

I Decline your kind offer ...

 

As I walked down the street towards my afternoon meetings, some gnarled and crispy brown leaves danced across my path.  A whisp of wind picked them up and they flew into the air.  I stopped to watch them blow this way and that in strange circles, as if they all new they were alive and could follow each other.  In strange motions.

As I stood there I thought, I am not really feeling myself today.  What's wrong?  I asked myself my three questions when this feeling of melancholy comes upon me -

Am I getting enough sleep
Am I getting enough exercise
Am I eating the right things

The answer to all of these questions is no.  I haven't been very well for the past ten days or so, and as a consequence my diet has been a bit highly pigglidy not quite what it normally is.  Well for a few days eating at all was out, and I struggled to keep a glass of water down.  My Limbs so tired and heavy that exercise is all but impossible.

These questions lead me to the last time I was thinking about them.  I'd just finished working on a project where I hadn't been able to answer any of these questions with a positive response for nearly a month

That got me thinking as to just how wrecked I felt after that job.  Spiritually, physically, mentally, nutritionally - bankrupt.  Not a pleasant feeling and one that has taken quite a bit of time to recover from.  But what hit me was every time I accepted jobs like this one, I ended up feeling the same.  Weak, tired, unhealthy.  Done it. What surprised me was how until today I had not equated these feelings, with what I was doing.  The direct calaration so obvious today, was hidden for so long.

Receiving an email today about a similar position. Initially I was interested.

As I mulled over the possibilities and the options I would have if I accepted the proposition I began to think of similar experiences all in the same area, all that left me feel drained. Moments of my life flashed before my eyes and I was left feeling quite shaken by what I had seen.

The choices I had made had had a very negative impact on me.  On my peace of mind.

Walking back through the city streets my mind pondered the ideas of embarking on a road that would lead down that path again.  This time it will be different, I heard myself say.

But out loud and in a whisper, my voice spoke, rudely awakening my thoughts, of how things would have changed;

'no, no it won't be any different.  All the experiences of the past share one thing -  the same outcome."  

I had a picture of me left huddled up in desperation at the end of the day trying to find release in the middle, and restoration at the end.

I feel jolted by the realisation that I have focused on the wrong thing.  Why, oh why, did I keep going back like a moth to a flame to something that burned me.  I am disappointed in myself, aware that this moment of clarity is a reflection of thought processes that I have decided not to acknowledge.   I am alert to the fact that all that has been all that has gone has brought me to where I am now, and where I move forward from. I now my PowerPoint is this present moment.

The obvious answer to the email, is no.

Do I have the courage to say it, to make that decision.  Or do I shuffle forward accepting that the path I know - although horrid - is familiar, and less daunting than the one I don't.

At the root I think is fear.

I write back to decline, and glance up.  My face is smiling, and my body has breathed a sigh of relief.


That's it for now ...

Nics

Salt and sparkle = Life Remarkable

Chance encounters x 2

They say that when you see an old friend, that although the distance between you has been great, that essence that makes you friends, that sacred space between you exists, as if it hasn't been touched by time or space. 

Something strange happened to me today.  I haven't quite gotten my head around it, and I wanted to share it with you, as I would love to know if something similar has ever happened to you.

A few years ago, I had been working very closely with the most amazing lady, and her husband.  She is one of the most creative people I have ever met, and it was a pleasure to work with her, and get to know her as a friend.  Then they moved to New York, she and her husband, and I moved to Dublin, Glasgow, London and back again. Although we had been in touch, facebook can be absolutely awesome at time - we hadn't really caught up with her in person until today, and it was simply wonderful to see her.  The sound of her voice, just lifted my spirits.  It was so easy to pick up a conversation with her as if the last time I had seen her was yesterday, at the bus stop. We slotted back into relaxed chatter without difficultly or awkwardness, even though so much time had passed. The space between us felt at peace, as if nothing had changed.  Even though as people we have both grown - she is a mama now, and it was just delightful to hear her talk about her little girl, as we went for a little dander - our friendship was unchanged.  It lifted my heart, and reminded me how very precious friends are.

Then later this evening, I was dashing round the market, picking up some groceries for a new salad - quinoa, mango and dill (recipe to come) - when my heart literally fell to my feet. At the end of the aisle, was another girl, someone I had known well once, many years ago.  Someone I hadn't seen except for the odd pic here and there on facebook for nearly a decade.  But this was someone, I wasn't happy to see.  She was someone who hurt me very deeply.  Very deeply indeed.

Immediately I felt that space between us, as uneasy, and difficult, as the last time we had spoken - which although ten years ago, was not pleasant.  We have both moved on, wished each other well, and the past is int the past. But the darkness when I saw her was instant, I wanted to disappear into the ground, and not have to face her.  I did though, I looked up caught her eye, and smiled, then my phone went, and I was saved from a conversation that I did not want to have by another, that I was pleased to take.  

What a juxtaposition - two people, two meetings, two spaces, two polar reactions.  Isn't it crazy what the space between two people can hold even when we don't feed it, even when we have dealt with the past and left it behind.  Atmosphere's still exist, and we have to guard our hearts, so that we don't become trapped in a moment, of history.  Sure we can still feel raw, and emotions to have a habit of rushing to the surface, regardless of how much time has passed, I know I do.  

But I also know I make the conscious decision to forgive that person, for how she hurt me, and I walk out from under her judgement into freedom.  Sure I might have to walk that decision, and make a choice to live it but, I refuse to let feelings however legitimate drag me backwards, into a pity party.  What happened happened, its over, and its gone.  My power is to move forward from the present moment, knowing what I have learnt from that experience, and that pain, knowing that somehow it made me a stronger person.

Although that space between us prickled with nastiness and hurt, I did not have to go back there, I do not have to go back there.  I had no words to say, and I could walk away, after a smile, knowing that I did not have to put myself in a position for her to hurt my heart again.  

Strangely as I played with the ideas for this post in my head, this song came onto the wireless 

The melody and the words, reminding me, that there is nothing to be gained from reliving the past - its gone, and really no matter how much it hurts, that's over too, it's time to walk forward into the future.

I make the decision tonight to delight in my other change encounter, and smile at a space so full of joy and life.

That's it for now...

Nics

salt and sparkle = life remarkable